To my fellow dogs and cats of America, my name is Sadie and I am running for President of the United States of America.
If you elect me, here are the things I would like for our future living in this beautiful country.
First, all dogs and cats will be provided with warm beds. This may come at a sacrifice for our humans. If they are unable to provide a warm bed, we are rightfully allowed to enforce a rotation of who sleeps on the floor. They will undoubtedly be included in this rotation, unless they allow us to sleep on or in between their legs, rendering them completely unable to move during the night.
Additionally, I propose that all dogs and cats be provided with enrichment toys. Peanut butter filled squirrel dudes, cat food in the Egg-sercizer, and Gnawhide filled Bouncy Bones will be the name of the game. Since feeding out of these kinds of toys is a much more physically and mentally stimulating way to eat, these toys will be plentiful in all homes and shelters.
I also promise to work with inventors to develop new products. The first will be a reappearing squeaker. When you successfully “kill” a squeaker, a new one will appear before your very eyes, allowing you hours and hours of extra play.
I will work with inventors to develop healing furniture. When cats exercise their normal scratching activities on “inappropriate” furniture, this furniture will reupholster itself within seconds. This will work similarly in cleaning furniture that has been damaged due to puppies learning appropriate behavior, including house training.
I will collaborate with engineers to develop a large climate-controlled bubble which cats and dogs can wear while going outside to eliminate. This bubble will ensure that we remain unaffected by rain, cold, and extreme heat.
I will work to develop a peaceful negotiation with squirrels so that they don’t insist on playing chase with us every time.
I promise to develop a contract with large men with beards and hats to approach dogs and cats with treats and other rewards, because many of us were not socialized to them and are, therefore, fearful of them.
As we all realize, our well-being is directly tied to the humans. To be fair, we must also reward them.
If you elect me, I promise to ask the puppies nicely to use their sharp teeth a little less.
I will also ask the cats and dogs of America to continue doing their job of “removing” the unwanted rodents or bugs, but to discontinue bringing the remains to the owner as some sort of prize (I assure you, they don’t like seeing it). That should be enough for them, you think?
But most of all, I promise to promote fair, humane, and equal treatment to all dogs and cats (yes, even cats).
All dogs and cats have a tremendous ability to learn and bring joy to the homes of their owners. Because of this, humans should respect them and provide only the best. I promise to work long and hard on this mission.
I promise I won’t stay in bed too long snuggling with my Mom, I won’t get quite as distracted by squirrels, and I will be the dog face of this country.
My name is Sadie and I approve this message.